Sweet Temptation
by PearlQ19
Summary: How do you deal with the loss of the one you love? Some thoughts. More info inside.


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A/N: I wrote this about three weeks ago (as of October 27, 2004) when the weather was really gray and depressing. There's a lake behind the house where I live, and I was returning from the supermarket, stopping at the lake for a smoke. Looking over the water, I suddenly thought of the plot of this story. But never you worry, I'm not thinking the same things as my unfortunate protagonist does J

Disclaimer: I don't own "Without A Trace," nor do I take any profit out of this story. The characters mentioned belong to Hank Steinberg and his crew. And the quote in the beginning is from "The Lord of the Rings" (Book Three, Chapter One, "The Departure of Boromir"). I just thought it was somehow fitting the mood. Those of you who have read more than one of my stories know that I like to include a quote every now and then.

WARNING: Involves character death and some very depressing thoughts. And maybe I should point out that I am a Sam/Martin 'shipper - despite the fact that this story is written in a way that may might as well be about Danny or Jack. Just so you know....

And now the story.

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Sweet Temptation

From the mouths of the Sea, the South Wind flies, from the sandhills and the stones;

The wailing of the gulls it bears, and at the gate it moans...

(J.R.R. Tolkien)

She stands at the banks of the lake and looks out over the water. It's a gray and foggy November afternoon, and she is the only person who ventured to go out at this time of day. But the atmosphere of this grim fall day pretty much reflects what her feelings are. What they have been for days and weeks, ever since she lost him.

A gull wails nearby, and the sound of it pierces her heart. Such a lonely sound....

The wind blows, and the frosting chill runs through her whole body. She shivers; she does not wear a coat. Her gaze lingers on the gray water that stretches out in front of her. Tough and chillingly cold, it crushes on the banks.

Sweet temptation...

The gull wails again, and she finds herself being magically drawn closer to the banks. The water is calling her, beckoning her, tempting her.... She knows that peace is only a heartbeat away. Just a few more steps and the gray water will welcome her with a loving embrace that will take her back to him. She can almost hear his voice, telling her to cover the distance and join him.

Sweet temptation, that's what he used to call her. _My sweet temptation..._

She breathes deeply. No tears well in her eyes. She has long since stopped crying, and all that's left is this feeling of emptiness. Loneliness. Her insides, her feelings have gone numb, and she has lived from hour to hour, day to day, for the past few weeks. In her heart, it will always be November - a chilling cold that is piercing through her very core.

She raises her eyes to the sky, which is full of torn clouds. No sun, not a patch of blue anywhere. Just gray.

She envisions his face, and she remembers....

Their first date. He was so nervous... He had taken her to a nice Italian restaurant, and they had eaten pizza and drunk Chianti, and when he had walked her home and safely delivered her at her door, he had given her a shy and somehow chaste kiss. And she had almost soared up the stairs to her apartment, feeling comfortably light-headed, looking forward to the next day when she would see him again...

Where are you now?

She takes two more steps that take her closer to the water. She can smell it. And the allure of the lake once again gets a grip on her. How easy it would be just to keep walking into the cold water, and not stop, and not look back, and just keep walking until the waves close above her head. The first chill would be horrible, but then her limbs would go numb, and she would feel no more cold.

And no more sorrow.

No more grief.

Another wail of the gull brings more memories back to her....

Their first night. He was so tender... They had spent the evening in another restaurant, and then they had climbed the Empire State Building, and they had kissed, and when he had walked her home, she had made a resolution and asked him whether he would like to come upstairs with her. And he had. And on the next morning, they had slept late, and they'd had breakfast in bed, and later they had strolled into Central Park, and on Monday, they had made their relationship official. And that was the first time he had called her "My sweet temptation"....

Why couldn't you take me with you?

The water is becoming irresistible. She is standing so near at the water that the tips of her shoes are getting damp. She bends down and picks up a stone, which she throws out into the lake. It hits the surface of the water and sinks instantly, leaving no trace. The same relief could be granted to her. She could sink into the depths and be at peace.

She takes another step, and the soles of her shoes get drenched. She winces at the icy temperature of the water, but she forces her feet to take another step. She can feel the longing to walk on until the water reaches her neck, her mouth, her nose....

The wailing of the gull arises again, and she remembers....

The day he died. It had been an ordinary day until their unit had been called as backup to a shooting nearby. And he hadn't even been the first to charge. But a stray bullet had hit him straight through the heart. It had been over so fast - one minute he was alive, and in the next instant he lay on the ground, and blood was seeping through his fingers. She had been at his side when he died, and just before his eyes broke, he had raised his hand and stroked her cheek, and whispered, "My sweet temptation...." And these words had then started to haunt her.

They are still haunting her. She can still hear them now, over the moaning of the wind and the wailing of the gull. She can hear them while she is standing in the water. Her feet have gone numb, and so have her legs. The water reaches almost up to her knees.

And then, all of a sudden, she comes to her senses. What is she doing here?

As much as she longs to be with him again, she cannot leave like this. There are other people who love her; people who would miss her and blame themselves for what she did. They would think they were not there for her when she needed them the most. And that is simply not true. Her colleagues, her friends, her family.... She could not do this to them.

And then she suddenly realizes that he would not have wanted her to give up like this. He would have wanted her to carry on.

She turns around and slowly steps out of the water. Her feet prickle and sting, and she shivers again, hard. But she climbs the banks until she has reached the path she came from.

One last time, she turns around and looks back over the gray lake. One last time she listens to the gull's lonely wail.

Goodbye, my sweet temptation.

Samantha turns around and returns to her car. She gets into the driver's seat, starts the engine and drives away, leaving behind the wailing gull and the tempting water.

No matter how hard it will be, she is not going to give up. She will live and carry the memory of him in her heart until the day that she dies.

But this day has not yet come, and the sweet temptation of the gray water has lost its allure.

At least for the time being.


End file.
